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Nicole

Stairsofpretty

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October 27th, 2008

(no subject)

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Stairsofpretty
I am going through all this trouble to register for classes in a place I don't want to return to next semester.
I hate my life right now.

April 13th, 2008

Fourthirteen.

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I am so happy with where my whole life is headed.
I know I always say these things too soon, speak too early and say things and have to take them back.
I hope this isn't the case.
Awe, haha.
This is so cute.

I am being vague but it's okay.
Sooner or later, everyone will understand.

March 30th, 2008

All we know...

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has fallen.

I am so exhausted. And overwhelmed. And anxious.
I don't know where any of this is coming from.
And frankly, I am scared to find out.
Wonderful.

March 12th, 2008

My sleeping patterns...

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are so out of whack. 
And I don't even care enough to fix them.
I have been napping and then staying up late.
I guess it's okay, because the hours end up evening out.
I just dread the days where I don't nap.

Oh, and I am failing school.
Wonderful.

March 9th, 2008

At best...

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I hate who I am right now. 

March 6th, 2008

I am really tired.

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So, sometimes, I write secret journal entries on my computer. I don't think thats fair. In fact, I think it's really dishonest of me. Like I have this whole hidden world that no one knows about, and all anyone is getting is what I write on my LiveJournal. Whatevski. I am going to post the old ones. There are only two. 
Someday, I'd like to feel content wherever I'm standing. I don't want to feel like I have to make up for the things my parents have done to hurt people. I encounter this problem with even new people who I really owe nothing to. But I always feel like, in some way, I have wronged these people, or my parents have wronged them. And so I owe them something. I don't want to have to live this way; constantly in debt to people. I spend all my time working toward an unattainable state of better. (1/13/08)

I don't want to spend so much of time being angry at people. I'm tired of having expectations and being let down. I hate getting my hopes up about things that are supposed to happen and then feeling the disappointment that comes along with those plans being broken. I want to be secure about myself in my group of friends. I want to stop having these ridiculous feelings about this one person. He's too old and too dumb and too ridiculous. I want to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me. I want to stop feeling guilty about asking people to help me or be here for me. I want to not rely on one person soley for help with all my dumb issues. I'm scared that I've vested all of this time with him and now he's gone and all of that stuff is gone. And one of the people who knew me best is gone too. And so now what do I do with all of these feelings when I need to talk about them? I hate feeling like I need him, because I never had him before and I was fine, right?! Sure. We'll say that. I don't think it depended on who walked in at that point. It could have been anyone I think. It was just him. And I needed someone who would hear all the old stories as new, and who could possibly have a new perspective. Who could maybe put something back in place that was broken. And I think that I thought it worked. But now I see that it doesn't work that way. And it probably never will. There is something broken in me, and I can't depend on anyone else to fix the loneliness or the sadness for me. And I'm not sure if I choose to feel this way. I'm pretty sure I don't, because I don't WANT to feel the way I do. A little bit I feel like this is some weird, sick, perpetual cycle that I am trapped within. And it's really scary to live through. Because I can feel entirely elated at times and then at other moments feel terrible and not understand why. I want to get better, I really do. I just haven't found the source of how to get better. (1/14/08) 
There, now I feel honest.
I have more to say, but this is an overload already. Later.

February 28th, 2008

Um.

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Sometimes I feel like I am falling and spiraling down.
And that I'm like, dragging people down with me.
I have like a distance infection or something.
It's just bad.
I can see myself doing it, in a weird way.
One-by-one, I just drag people down.
I can't even think about it.
Because I am so hurt that I do this.
And I do. I really do.
Oh. Oh man.
What does this mean?
And how do I fix it?
Is anyone else feeling like this?
Like in youth group?
And if not, does that mean it really IS me doing this?
What does it say about me?
I feel like now I have to protect people from me.
What the heck.

February 25th, 2008

twotwentyfive

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There is something broken in me.
Like my mean switch flipped on.
I have to stop before I kill all my friendships.
UGH.

February 2nd, 2008

twotwo.

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I am so annoyed with this mystery illness.
Agh.

January 10th, 2008

Lately.

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A new year.
I feel like it's supposed to be about new beginnings, a fresh start. But I have not encountered this. What I've found instead is that I'm miserable and I don't know why. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm overwhelmed. I'm so lonely that I can hardly stand it.
My loneliness isn't even logical. Because I am surrounded by people ALL the time. I can't think of a time (other than now, in my room) where I am not with people. And that idea is crazy when coupled with my feeling lonely and far away. And it's even more strange, because I feel like I want to be alone. I've had no "me time" in so long. My life has been non-stop. And I'll admit, at first I really did like it. But I am burned out, I think. I feel like I haven't had a serious conversation in so long. Last night was the first time I've cried in almost two months. It doesn't make any sense that this is all happening. I should be happy that I'm not crying all the time, that I'm busy and have so many people and so much to do to occupy my time. But it seems these things are what make me most unhappy. I feel a little like I just want to sleep for days and maybe then I can be forgotten and not have to be somewhere at a certain time for a specific purpose. I need a break, I really do. But I don't want to stop. I never want to miss out on anything thats happening. And it's such a dilemma for me because it's never the same hearing a story second-hand. But I can't do it all. I am running on empty as it is. 
I just want school to be done, because I can't do anymore. Theres too much pressure, too much expected of me from everyone and no one can see that I just need a break. 
And I think a lot of it is I just need to be held and seriously talked to and to just cry for like 5 years. Really. And I was hoping, I think that it might happen while everyone was home from school. And people said they'd talk to me. Even today. And then when they didn't, like, I'm crushed, I guess. Because I feel like I am going through this alone and I just need someone. I feel like I'm a little at fault for this never happening, because I never initiated it, really. 
Yeah, and no one who reads this should hug me in public, because I will probably become a sobbing mess. 
THE END.

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